That one little word sounds so inviting, and yet I’ve been finding it impossible lately. My bed has turned into an uncomfortable place of restlessness, worry, and frustration. I lie awake each night, constant thoughts streaming through my head…and no hope of shutting them off.
Anxiety-ridden, you might assume? I suppose so. Although I’ve struggled with insomnia off and on since I was a child, anxiety was never the issue (or so I thought–maybe it was the culprit all along). It’s more a constant struggle between what my soul wants, and where I am in life at this very moment.
I reach for the light, and the doubts creep in: “You are not living your path! What are you doing with your life? And where are you headed? You are so alone, and you’re already in your mid-thirties. What if you never find what you’re looking for? What if you never know real love? What if you never find the happiness you seek?”
All of these open-ended questions scare me shitless. Uncertainties, insecurities, negative self-talk…fear. They all allow themselves to surface the second the room turns dark. My head and heart are battling, and they can’t seem to find peace. Yes, I know I’m not living my true path right now. And yes, I (sort of) have a plan. But…what if I fail? I don’t really have a clue where I’m headed; I have no idea where I’ll end up or how my life will turn out.
Does anybody, though? Do people actually have it all figured out, or are some just better at pretending than others? And how do I quiet my mind, when the biggest naysayer turns out to be me? I don’t know where to turn next. I need sleep.